Whole 30 Halftime Report!

Guys. I can’t even with my life right now. Whole 30 is the least annoying thing about it. My glasses broke and are currently taped together on my face. I’m wearing them right now because I’m on my last pair of contacts and I’m sure it’s only a matter of seconds before one of them rips. My daughter did a number on my laptop and it went from the letter “e” not working to NONE of the keys working. This happened about 4 days ago, but I knew y’all needed an update so I put on my big girl panties and hopped on my husband’s laptop. It has windows 8. Enough said right? Kill me. I love you forever, Macbook. My kids have also been up til 9 o’clock like 4 out of 7 days this past week, and today they napped for about 30 minutes total. They are pyschos and I’m preparing for the worst night of sleep ever. Anyway, enough verbal diarrhea about my life and onto the whole 30, bullet point style.

  1. Speaking of diarrhea…..  I can’t bring myself to type anything else about it, but there’s a story to be told about it, just take my word for it.
  2. Whole 30 is all about the “non-scale victories”. For example, “are you feeling more energized? less irritable?” Well, no. Me cutting sugar from my diet didn’t actually make my toddler stop whining 24/7 so yeah, I’m still pretty irritable. I prefer scale victories and yes, I’m losing weight.
  3. I sat through an entire bowling party (which could be a blog post in itself) complete with pizza, beer battered french fries, and my sweet husband asking if anything on the menu was compliant. I’m pretty sure the menu ITSELF was deep-fried before our server brought it to us. Bless it. Anyway- I stayed strong that whole night and didn’t eat a thing, yet I STILL have to stop myself from mindlessly eating a goldfish cracker after giving my kids a snack. I am ultra paranoid that I’ve accidentally ate a wheat thin somewhere along the way and have to start over.
  4. Paranoia, you say? Let me tell you about my dreams. According to the whole 30 timeline, days 12-15 involve lots of dreams about food. This is supposed to be “your brain driving you back to the comfort foods you used to know.” I’m sure it has nothing at all to do with the fact that you’re thinking ONLY about food all day long every single day. I bet it’s purely coincidence.  The first week my dreams involved prepping compliant food non-stop. It was annoying because hello, if I can’t have doritos in real life, at least let me dream about them for cryin’ out loud. But no, I’ve had two dreams since then about eating non-compliant food and both involved me thinking “how on earth did this ritz cracker even get in my mouth?? I don’t want to start over again!” and I’ve woken up paranoid that it was real life.
  5. Somebody somewhere says “you can have all the junk food you want when your whole 30 is over, but we bet you’ll be feeling soooo good you won’t want to!” No. The reason people keep going for a few more days is because they spent their life savings on a diamond encrusted bottle of coconut aminos and they’re not about to let it go to waste. Here is how coconut aminos works: you cash in your 401k to buy a bottle, you use half of it in a recipe that calls for some sort of sauce reduction, you simmer said sauce for 20 minutes and watch your money vaporize. For the price of a bottle of coconut aminos I could feed my family spaghetti for like two weeks straight. It’s absurd.

But I’m over HALFWAY DONE!!! I have 14 days left. And I’m already planning my reintroduction menu. Holla.

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