People, let me just say this. This isn’t a mom blog. I just talk about it a lot because that’s my life at the moment, and I’m about to talk about something semi-parenting related yet again, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t read this if you don’t have kids. Hopefully on some level you can relate, take notes for the future, or just laugh at the plight of all of us suckers who procreated. For example, I’m sure a lot of us have body image issues. I personally don’t, I just like myself better when I’m skinnier, which brings me to this…

Aside from all of the “surprise” babies out there, a lot of thought generally goes into having children. I am pretty much on team #makeallthebabies all the time, so that thought process is something like: Can we provide basic food, shelter, and clothing? Check. Are we on crack or other illegal substances? No. Okay then, we’re in the clear.

For others, it’s more complicated than that. Do I want to be pregnant during the summer? Or do I want to nurse a sweaty newborn? Do I want to have a winter baby? When’s the best time to take my maternity leave? Should we wait until we have a house in a better school district? Should we have 50% of their college fund saved up first? Should we get a puppy? Should we start having kids young and get them out of the house sooner? Should we wait until we’re older, wiser, and more likely to be expert parents? (ß Good luck with that, people.)

No matter what time is right for you, HERE is the question nobody ever asks: Will I need to renew my driver’s license during my prime child bearing age? YOU GUYS!!! How have we missed this? In my state, we’ve got 8 years in between renewing that glorious, historic, headshot. And somehow, it’s time for mine to be renewed right in the middle of gaining enough baby weight for 4 kids, birthing two, and only losing the weight of one. Don’t try to figure out the math, it’s just scary.

I feel like everyone has questions for God when they get to heaven someday- How many hairs do I actually have on my head? How is it You could never begin and never end? Personally, I will ask our Heavenly Father why, in His infinite wisdom, didn’t he allow for a little wiggle room for our driver’s license weight when drumming up the 9th commandment, “thou shalt not lie”? Couldn’t we just go by number of chins and let common sense do the rest? With everybody crossfitting these days I’m sure the number is misleading anyway.

Second of all, I am dreading ….dread. ing. …..the thought of taking children of any age to the DMV. I think we can imagine all of the reasons but for starters, the last time I was there girlfriend got super condescending with me (still not over it) and if it happens again, I don’t need my kids to see me get sassy with a stranger. I haven’t taught J-Man yet what it means to hold my earrings. But anyway, when am I supposed to shower!? (See bullet point #2 of previous post.) And do my hair!? AND my make-up!? All in one day!? I literally do not know the last time that happened. Around here we either actually shower or we shower with mascara and fair trade accessories. Call me vain but I just can’t resign myself to the fact that I will probably look like a grease ball for the next 8 years on a government ID. This was poor planning.

So gang, you heard it here. Do what you will with this information and don’t say nobody warned you.

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