Let Us Talk About the Joys of Potty Training.

We have all heard about the delightful phenomenon that is mom amnesia, right? Like how nobody remembers the pain of childbirth? (I won’t because epidurals are a wonderful thing.) How we should “enjoy every moment” because the people saying this apparently don’t remember tantrums in the grocery store and the total meltdowns upon hearing the word no? How all kids have been sleeping through the night since 6 weeks old? How nobody has ever raised a picky eater until you?

Here’s another one: potting training lies. Y’all. I feel like everyone has a story about how “my grandma potty trained all 6 of her kids by 18 months.” Or “my mom said it was a piece of cake and I never had an accident.” What do you even do with those statements?? Say congratulations? Vow to have all your kids in undies and dry through the night by age two?

Have no fear. I’m hot off the potty training press and here to set the record straight.

POTTY TRAINING SUCKS. I don’t care if you potty trained your kids in 48 hours or 48 months, you are lying if you say you enjoyed it!! I also don’t care if your kid was 16 months or 4 and a half- either way, don’t act like it wasn’t exhausting to watch them like a hawk every waking moment to make sure they didn’t pee on an ottoman. Or rug. Or anywhere but the toilet, actually. Or act like you haven’t shoveled poop off your dining room floor.  I mean at this point, we’re on day three and have had zero accidents and my 3.5 year old has told me every time he has to go. We’re technically done, right? Hand me my bragging rights.

But because mom amnesia hasn’t hit yet, I can tell you that the last 3 days have been ridiculous. The first day you can just expect them to pee everywhere (and if they are a boy this includes even when they’re sitting on the toilet. Everywhere.) The second day you should expect them to stay mostly dry, but throw a rager of a tantrum every single one of the 47 times you put them on the john. The third day is a toss up, but I think someone exorcised my child in the middle of the night and that was the key to our success today. It also could have been the fact that I let him have a handful of skittles every time for peeing on the potty versus just one lousy one.

I mean,  I don’t take my salvation lightly and I don’t want to sound irreverent…but if I wasn’t covered by Jesus’ grace and God gave me the option of A. burning  B. living in a pop up camper or C. potty training a kid for eternity, take me to the flames. Every time. I’d like to believe that Revelation 21:4 says “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain or potty training.” Too much?

I downloaded a great potty training book at the recommendation of a friend (it’s like a $2.99 kindle download. So worth it. I will recommend it to everyone.), and the author is actually a professional potty trainer. First of all, THAT’S A THING!? That, my friends, is a thing. And upon further research, I learned this professional will do a consultation for $75 dollars an hour. $75. Per hour. And she’ll potty train your kid for $55 dollars an hour. $55. DOLLARS. AN. HOUR. Who would pay someone that much to potty train their kid!?!? ME. That’s who. Knowing what I know now I would have added “cash for potty training” to my baby shower wish list and if that didn’t cover it I’d take funds from my retirement savings. (Sidebar: Why do people still even get college degrees? Apparently you can just learn a skill nobody likes to do, call yourself a professional toe-nail clipper, and charge an exorbitant amount of money for it. I digress.)

To summarize, potty training is the worst. Don’t let anybody to tell you it’s easy or enjoyable, and if they do, watch them run when you offer to let them potty train your kid. And as they are sprinting off into the distance you just yell to them “EXACTLY!!”

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