People, let me just say this. This isn’t a mom blog. I just talk about it a lot because that’s my life at the moment, and I’m about to talk about something semi-parenting related yet again, but I don’t want you to feel like you can’t read this if you don’t have kids. Hopefully on some level you can relate, take notes for the future, or just laugh at the plight of all of us suckers who procreated. For example, I’m sure a lot of us have body image issues. I personally don’t, I just like myself better when I’m skinnier, which brings me to this…

Aside from all of the “surprise” babies out there, a lot of thought generally goes into having children. I am pretty much on team #makeallthebabies all the time, so that thought process is something like: Can we provide basic food, shelter, and clothing? Check. Are we on crack or other illegal substances? No. Okay then, we’re in the clear.

For others, it’s more complicated than that. Do I want to be pregnant during the summer? Or do I want to nurse a sweaty newborn? Do I want to have a winter baby? When’s the best time to take my maternity leave? Should we wait until we have a house in a better school district? Should we have 50% of their college fund saved up first? Should we get a puppy? Should we start having kids young and get them out of the house sooner? Should we wait until we’re older, wiser, and more likely to be expert parents? (ß Good luck with that, people.)

No matter what time is right for you, HERE is the question nobody ever asks: Will I need to renew my driver’s license during my prime child bearing age? YOU GUYS!!! How have we missed this? In my state, we’ve got 8 years in between renewing that glorious, historic, headshot. And somehow, it’s time for mine to be renewed right in the middle of gaining enough baby weight for 4 kids, birthing two, and only losing the weight of one. Don’t try to figure out the math, it’s just scary.

I feel like everyone has questions for God when they get to heaven someday- How many hairs do I actually have on my head? How is it You could never begin and never end? Personally, I will ask our Heavenly Father why, in His infinite wisdom, didn’t he allow for a little wiggle room for our driver’s license weight when drumming up the 9th commandment, “thou shalt not lie”? Couldn’t we just go by number of chins and let common sense do the rest? With everybody crossfitting these days I’m sure the number is misleading anyway.

Second of all, I am dreading ….dread. ing. …..the thought of taking children of any age to the DMV. I think we can imagine all of the reasons but for starters, the last time I was there girlfriend got super condescending with me (still not over it) and if it happens again, I don’t need my kids to see me get sassy with a stranger. I haven’t taught J-Man yet what it means to hold my earrings. But anyway, when am I supposed to shower!? (See bullet point #2 of previous post.) And do my hair!? AND my make-up!? All in one day!? I literally do not know the last time that happened. Around here we either actually shower or we shower with mascara and fair trade accessories. Call me vain but I just can’t resign myself to the fact that I will probably look like a grease ball for the next 8 years on a government ID. This was poor planning.

So gang, you heard it here. Do what you will with this information and don’t say nobody warned you.

the things you never knew you never knew

I’m a sucker for click bait. “See These 23 Celebrities as Kids!” Yup. Clicking. And about 14 celebrities in I’m like, “What am I even doing with my life? I don’t care about this.” … “You Won’t Believe What This Woman Spied on the Beach!” –”oh, a jellyfish. That was totally worth the 37 pop up ads I had to click out of to see the big reveal.”… “14 Things No One Ever Told You About Motherhood” – “You won’t believe incredible love that fills your heart for your sweet newborn. REALLY? Oh my gosh you’re right, I had NO idea that I would love my child.” #stopthemadness

SO here are some things I ACTUALLY didn’t know about motherhood (or life in general) in no particular order, and I just wanna know I’m not alone.

  1. After you give birth you might shake uncontrollably for a couple hours. Is this even a thing? Because I don’t even know. I just wanted skin to skin time without giving my newborn a brain injury from shivering so hard for no reason. Is it adrenaline? Shock? Just me? Probably. Okay.
  1. It’s possible to forget the last time you showered until you see how long your armpit hair is. YES THAT’S GROSS! And yet, here we are. And it’s happened. And I KNOW I’m not alone so don’t even try to shame me or give me the side eye. Hasn’t happened to you yet? Your time is coming.
  1. You will become neurotic about weird things. No, I don’t mean sanitizing toys or throwing out leftovers after a maximum of three days. I mean things like always wearing pajamas even if it’s 4,000 degrees during the summer time because if your house catches fire in the middle of the night you don’t want to rescue children in the nude and you’re not sure if you’ll have time to grab a blanket to wrap up in once you get outside. #survivalmode
  1. You can own a house, a dog, have two kids (or no kids, or any number of kids), a Roth IRA, a business, a solid laundry routine, menu plan like a boss, and still be like “Who let me become an adult?” I think this is why opposites attract. My husband is The Responsible One.

That’s all I got. I was on a roll and got interrupted because children. That was five and a half hours ago. But hey, I figure I’m in pretty good shape if there’s only 4 things I don’t know yet. Just kidding, do any of us REALLY know what to expect or even what we’re doing? No. So don’t pressure yourselves. I heard a mom once fret about giving her kid an oreo. Listen. I once fretted about giving my son an oreo….at 7:30AM. I just needed him to stop whining for a minute, okay? You can judge me. But as long as my kids are alive, well-behaved for 60-65% of the time we’re in public, and DHHS isn’t calling me, we’re in good shape here. Keep on keepin’ on, friends.